A Guide To Getting Employed In The Scottish Mainstream Sports Media (SMSM)

1: Amnesia Pills:
For the ex Celtic stars only.One of the most important pieces of kit in an ex Celtic player's bag if he wants to land a gig in the dog eat dog world of smsm. Sometimes when a player turns out for an incredible club like Celtic it can be particularly hard to let go of all those feelings you developed during that time. Well thanks to these recently developed amnesia pills none of that is a problem anymore. Just pop one a day and your time at Celtic will be wiped from your mind quicker than a fatty passing a salad bar. Never again will you get those twangs of guilt whenever you need to run your former team into the ground during analysis.. which you will be required to do.

2: Hate List
Where would our smsm be without their hate list?  Far be it from us to question the sanity of people who have such a thing in their possession but here at the smsm we only have certain names in them. Most of them are Celtic related but things have moved on and the list is more varied now. Once upon a time it was simply "Neil Lennon" written over and over again. Any aspiring journalist entering the media need not turn up to the interview without this vital piece of the puzzle. Be warned that any names not Celtic specific will result in the interview being terminated.

3: Blindfold
Most members of the smsm already wear a blindfold and if you want to fit in then this item is essential. Usually worn whenever Celtic are subject to an honest mistake from a member of the brotherhood, this neat little number will ensure you miss any blatant Celtic decisions that have not been given. It also doubles as an excuse to avoid looking at any damning evidence of corruption in the Scottish game such as the offshore game report. Please also remember to wear in the event of any irrefutable evidence against Rangers. Do not bring a blindfold with you. Should you be successful at the interview you will be provided with one either at your place of work or the ludge.

4: Turd Polish

Being a media man in Scotland is not all lodge meetings and funny handshakes you know. Now and again you will be required to do some of the dirty jobs. You can relax because everyone in the smsm excels at turd polishing so you'll pick it up pretty quickly. The turd in question is the team from Ibrox and you will be required to make them sound as good as possible. We have a saying in Scottish sports media: "No turd is too big, no polish too small" We are immensely proud of our ability to make anything from Ibrox sound positive. No one likes a blowhard but if it wasn't for us people would still believe in liquidation. No mean feat.

5: Your Creative Soul 
It's true! Part of your job in the Scottish media will require you to surrender your soul. Don't worry you'll be presented with a lovely certificate to say you've did that which most people wouldn't consider. Becoming an honorary zombie isn't so bad. Look at some of the Clyde Superscoreboard panel, or those sage scribes from the Daily Record and you'll see it hasn't held them back. Here at the smsm we encourage ineptitude and you won't need to worry about checking your moral compass because level 5 will do that for you. There will be no thinking on the spot either as most of your articles and talking points will be plagiarized from other sources meaning no need to check facts!



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